A Letter to the Friend I Lost

A while ago I ended things with a very close friend. It was quick, and for the most part unexpected, so there are a lot of things I never got to say to her that I wish I could have before it was all over. Here's the open letter of things I wish I could say. (for the sake of privacy, I'll be addressing her in the letter as X.)

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Hey X.

I know its been a pretty long time since we went our separate ways, but I still miss you more than anything. I miss your texts during math and I miss comparing lip glosses in the middle of class and I miss staring at each other on the bus trying not to laugh. I miss sharing Chipotle at the mall while sitting in a booth we stole from old people and I miss running away when we saw people we knew from school. I miss taking mirror selfies in stores and trying on clothes for hours at every store we went into, I miss stressing out about homework during lunch. I miss sitting splayed out in front of your locker and your expression when I suggested we go for a walk. I miss walking to Timmies and Pizza Nova after school and sitting with the five of us around a table that was too small to fit all of us. I miss how you ate your twenty packs of timbits with a fork because you didn't want germs, X, I miss all of it. We were supposed to stay till the end, X. We promised we'd stay together and we wouldn't let anything get between us, you promised me. The day we were sitting around the mattress on the floor in my basement and it was 3 AM we promised while yawning that we'd stick it out when things got rough and yet you still cut me off, why would you promise if you knew you didn't mean it? Why would you let me talk about the plans we could make for the future, why would you let me assume that we had that solid, ride or die relationship that wouldn't break? I trusted you to not repeat what she did but you replicated the way she dumped me so perfectly. You knew exactly what she thought of me and what she said to me that day and you threw it all in my face AGAIN. You knew. You one hundred percent, definitely, obviously knew that it broke me when she left me behind and you did it too, how could you do that to me X I don't understand. I am begging to understand. Its all so unclear and i'm trying to wipe away the confusion like condensation on a window but its on your side, not mine. Clear it up. Let me see the reason why you did this and give me my closure. I need to not be still in a place where I cry late at night when I remember the good parts of our friendship. And, X, I know I already apologized but here it is again in case you forgot, I am so sorry. I know that I could've been better and I'm sorry that I couldn't be before it got unbearable for you, so one last time; I'm sorry. I miss you, and I'm sorry.

Love,

Charis